Being prepared......ready for the unexpected!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Yeah, I haven't written in several months....probably six months. My writing took a back seat to my  painting which I suppose could have been the subject of at least one blog entry. Alas, it wasn't.....then.

So today I had an epiphany of sorts....one of those "a ha" moments when you go dannnnnng!! Yesterday I spent a good portion of the day and mostly all evening completing a demo piece I needed to do for a class on creativity I'll be teaching on Monday. Normally my demo pieces are done on top of previous demo pieces so as to not waste (topic for another blog entry) the canvases and well, they're "just demo pieces". There's that mindset. I gave "demo" a bad vibe. Though I didn't choose a previously used canvas to paint on I also did not choose one of my Gallery wrapped canvases because after all....it was just a demo.
My Muse laughed as I began to paint.

I learned a lesson......demo's and masterpieces are one so be prepared and ready to treat them as such 'cause you never know what your Muse has planned!!

Feeling Fraudulent Facing a Blank Canvas

I've been up and awake since 3 a.m. but I did go into my studio! I'm having crisis of "faith" as I face the blank canvases all over my studio.

For my "I Can Fly" class I attempted to draw and paint wings last night, left them to dry.... now they look like shit! Couldn't fly off the drawing table.

Worked on my painting for the course "Fierce Fabulous & Feminine - Uncoiling the Authentic You"  and she's coming out, though I went to the dark side.....I drew on all the stuff I don't like about my body instead of, like Shiloh Sophia said, uncoil and love all parts of it!!! So now I'm looking at her wondering what do I love about my body?  Letting that sink in......

Then I started drawing my Black Madonna on a canvas. I had found a photo of me (in my 20's!) holding my first born baby girl and decided to use that as a reference for my Madonna. Got the placement the way I wanted, drew the contours of the two heads and

then it happened. I couldn't think of a  dang thing! I had NO idea of how or what to paint for the drapery, clothing, or whatever they were going to be surrounded by! I'm sooooo accustomed to using reference materials and/or drawing from live models I felt as if I didn't have one "original" thought!!!

Is this what my art is.....fraudulent???? Every painting I've done has come from something else!! WTF???  How come I can't just "make stuff up"? (I know why but that's another blog).

Okay, now that I've laid that on you I can say....it was short lived. I know there is no "original" art. (I'm talking "representational" art) It's all come from somewhere else....except maybe the cave paintings, since they were the "original" people? I wonder if Eve drew?? Or did the serpent convince her it was not cool to be creative. Best to eat the apple instead?

I digress.

Ideas are built upon other ideas....and so on and on. That's not to say there haven't been some truly exceptional ideas that have been re-imagined because there have been!!

I reckon I just got a case of "blank canvas" blues (or whites...'cause the canvas is white) for a minute there.

No problem. I'll just do what I do and research a gazillion other images (mine and others) until I find a form I like and use the contour.....oh I did that part already (the photo of me and my kid!)...ahhh the problem was/is I couldn't think of what to do next!!! The actual embellishing of the images!!! This painting may end up becoming a mixed media piece!!! At any rate she won't be your typical Black Madonna (hee hee hee she's gonna be me!) And my Divine Being is coming in the form of a baby girl!

Meditation.......what?

....though I read prayers, pray prayers, speak them aloud sometimes, have positive messages all over....I still feel a disconnect with my Divine. I don't seem to be able to meditate because as soon as I awaken my mind is racing......I cannot still my brain for 30 seconds much less 5 minutes or even longer!! The rituals seem empty because I don't feel a connection. I used to feel very connected....a long time ago. I haven't quite gotten that back....yet. 

I've considered being on my knees but then I couldn't get up....easily!!! 

Tried the prostrate thing and realized I needed to vacuum under my bed...so much for "focusing"!! 

I tried "the Breath" and yoga....at the end when you're in the "corpse" pose....oh, right they now call it the relaxation pose......yup, I relax myself right back to sleep....like a corpse.

I do have a morning ritual where every day I read the Daily Word, various personal prayers I've collected for myself and a verse or more from my Bible. 

If I don't change my routine (like leave my bedroom before doing those things) I manage to do them every morning like clockwork. But there are those days.....like today.....I had gotten dressed to go walking and went into the kitchen to fill up my water bottle.....then did 50 other things and still haven't gotten back into my bedroom!! So I'll do them tonight........mannn it's already night time and here I am writing this blog! 

If I go meditate now I'll be comatose in three seconds and snoring like a freight train!

Sighhhhh so much for routine and ritual!!

And Still I Rise

Message of The Legend

I Rise Up...70!

Yes, I've lived my life but it's not over!!! It is never too late to learn something new or to do something you've not done! And I'm am doing just that, now, at 70.

I want to leave a Legacy for my grandchildren and their children! I cannot do that if I do not become someone they can or want to talk about....A Legend!

For me to become a colorlicious woman of action I had to embrace my past, gain clarity on what it is I want to do for me (for SELF) that could and would impact others, have the courage to do something new, different and out of my comfort zone, be willing to access my inner creativity even though it wasn't what I was “taught”, collaborate with others and not always be working on my own, and commit myself to putting in the time and energy necessary to produce needed change....not just in mySELF but in the lives of others.

As author Octavia Butler once stated “...all that you touch you change, all that you change, changes you. The only lasting truth is change.”

I planted seeds of change that would have life changing effects but that's exactly what I needed and wanted. I was not “too old” to change my perspectives. So each day I just show up and do something that will move me a little closer to my Intentional Creativity goal. No matter how many times my Critical Mind attempts to silence my Muse she finds her flow and keeps putting in the work. Practice, practice, practice, she says to the Critic, is how I will change the tone of your voice. I don't want to silence you, I want to work with you to help bring satisfaction, joy, fun, purpose and more to a well lived life! I will create, the Muse says, you bring the structure and together we will laugh, dream, create and take advantage of the ever present opportunities available! Together we still rise.

With an attitude of gratitude I Rise Up...70!

How I Roll....

So much to do and I don't seem to be making a dent! So much I want to do and I cannot get distracted! I want to work with my friend's focus group but I must focus on completing the course I have chosen to run - becoming an Intentional Creativity Teacher. And I've got ideas waiting to become paintings but they haven't gotten to the canvas yet or off the drawing board!
I walked 10,000 or more steps per day for two months in the Move 60: Get Healthy Central Florida challenge and plan to begin riding my bike daily...except I haven't tested it out yet....I haven't been on my bike since 2015 but I won't allow fear of falling keep me from riding....I like it too much but I still haven't tried to ride...yet.
I waiver too much, all the time. I feel as if I have no follow through, no support, no cheer me on kudo's section. No "Good job, Phyllis!" Well, sometimes you have to encourage yourself! I can sing my own praises! I can pat my own back (sorta kinda), congratulate myself! So with all I have to do I am making headway, I can check things off my "to do" list even while the list continues to grow. I don't want the list to stop growing because that would mean I am done! It's the end of the line! So, nope, I'll keep checking items off and keep adding to my list. I'm moving on! When I feel scattered and confused or overwhelmed is when I must breathe deeply, be still and listen to the Voice of Spirit for guidance and wisdom.
I can release the 60 pounds I need to let go.
I can order my time to accomplish what I need to get done.
I can successfully complete the tasks I have before me in a timely manner.
I can do what needs to be done by me.
I am alive with creative energy, awake to prospering ideas and open to unlimited goodness. Daily.
I can't just pick up the dice I have to roll 'em. Take the gamble, take the leap, get out the boat (if I want to walk on water) and keep moving forward!
That's how I roll!

Dichotomy of Self

I've been awake since 4 a.m. but I didn't want to get up, so I didn't. I did get up at five and got ready for my day.
Though I'm grateful for today, another day, I'm not looking forward to what may...or may not occur. What a dichotomy!!
I'm not looking forward to something that may or may not exist! What???
I am going to dig deeper into my sub-conscious in attempts to excavate the story that may be pushing to come out anyway. There is  story, an old story that keeps replaying in my head and keeps me from flowing easily forward. It is time for the story to be told, to be heard, to be released from within my body walls. I want to release it, to let it go yet I do not know what the story is, what it needs to say or wants to say. I don't know what is keeping it from coming out to breathe, to heal it's wounds. I have not the language to give to its memories. I know not the part of me that is crying, dying for release. I believed all the parts of me came together, were gathered, were now in a safe place and begun their journey towards healing.

Yet there is still a part of me that cries out to be heard, to be worthy of being heard and seen. She feels shut down, even with doors opening she's not walking through any of them. Some thing, some feeling of unworthiness is preventing her from moving through the open doors. There are many opportunities awaiting...I just have to go through the opening doors, seize the opportunities and know I am worthy. Feel my worth!
I can write these words but they must be imprinted on my heart, sealed in my psyche, accepted and enfolded into my subconscious.  My body must feel my worthiness and lovingly accept it into every cell .
Who will mentor me? If no one can I must do the work as best I can on my own. I believe Lord, help Thou my unbelief. Father-Mother God, today, I come boldly, thanking You for Your goodness and faithfulness in my life. I lift up my heart in faith to You knowing my earnest prayers open the door for Your Power to move on my behalf! I am grateful Lord for today, for my life, this life. I am grateful for all that is revealed to me today. I am thankful for sacredness, for ritual, for practices that move me forward into the life You have for me to still live. Thank You for Your guidance and direction as I go along the path of my sacred journey. I want to share my story, my journey with others who may benefit from hearing it and can begin their own healing journey.

Feelings are not necessarily Intuitive

There's so much I didn't do  (my yesterdays) and I'm attempting to understand the "Why?"
What is on the plate immediately in front of me is the course I'm presently participating in for Intentional Creativity. The month of April we Color of Women 2017 students were required to hold a Red Thread Circle, which I did on April 9th, and to teach a class on creating personal Soul Art (Affirmation) Card Decks and this I did last night April 28th. We students were also to be working on a painting all during the month.....this I did not do.
The painting of my Muse I didn't "feel" like getting into, I wasn't "feeling" my Muse calling to me. I didn't "feel" anything for this Muse. What I did feel was my disappointment in my own work each time I looked at the work of the other students. I "felt" my inability to use symbols the way they do or "zentangle" all over the place or incorporate animals of all kinds in their work. Yeah, I was "feeling" quite inadequate this month. And yes I know I should not do comparisons but it is rearing its ugly head consistently.
I look at my work and I begin to shut down internally. I am committed to this process and too many others have invested in me for me to shut down or even consider quitting because I "feel" as if I'm not good enough. Quitting is what I usually do when the going gets too hard for me. I curl up but when the "feelings" go away I'm still here and I must face the issues.
Why do I not believe my work is good, good enough much less great?!! How do I rid myself of this old story of unworthiness? How do I uproot it? How do I begin to teach others to re-imagine themselves when I cannot begin to re-imagine myself? My thoughts swirl with "I'm not creative enough", "I don't see images", "I don't come up with great ideas" and so on and so on! Way too many. It's as if the harder I work to lift myself - to Rise Up - the more my mind works against me to keep me fettered and chained where I presently am.....which is no where I want to remain. I find myself not doing anything I should be doing - like painting! I sink slowly into an immobile state of funk.
I do better, I "feel", with human interaction not isolated or alone as I usually "feel". I usually entertain myself at home but it is the choices I make based on my "feelings" that rule and I end up choosing that which is not moving me forward towards my goal because I didn't "feel" like doing that right now....I'll do it tomorrow which, of course, is not promised.
I do the required readings, watching of instructional videos, teaching and writings each month yet when it comes to the painting I freeze up instead of Rising Up. I "feel" as if I need to have someone around me from whom to bounce ideas. Then I figure I'll just tough it out 'cause I can do this alone and still get it done. Then I am easily distracted and nothing gets done! No wonder my Muse goes away and is hesitant to return......she's not "feeling" me.