There's so much I didn't do (my yesterdays) and I'm attempting to understand the "Why?"
What is on the plate immediately in front of me is the course I'm presently participating in for Intentional Creativity. The month of April we Color of Women 2017 students were required to hold a Red Thread Circle, which I did on April 9th, and to teach a class on creating personal Soul Art (Affirmation) Card Decks and this I did last night April 28th. We students were also to be working on a painting all during the month.....this I did not do.
The painting of my Muse I didn't "feel" like getting into, I wasn't "feeling" my Muse calling to me. I didn't "feel" anything for this Muse. What I did feel was my disappointment in my own work each time I looked at the work of the other students. I "felt" my inability to use symbols the way they do or "zentangle" all over the place or incorporate animals of all kinds in their work. Yeah, I was "feeling" quite inadequate this month. And yes I know I should not do comparisons but it is rearing its ugly head consistently.
I look at my work and I begin to shut down internally. I am committed to this process and too many others have invested in me for me to shut down or even consider quitting because I "feel" as if I'm not good enough. Quitting is what I usually do when the going gets too hard for me. I curl up but when the "feelings" go away I'm still here and I must face the issues.
Why do I not believe my work is good, good enough much less great?!! How do I rid myself of this old story of unworthiness? How do I uproot it? How do I begin to teach others to re-imagine themselves when I cannot begin to re-imagine myself? My thoughts swirl with "I'm not creative enough", "I don't see images", "I don't come up with great ideas" and so on and so on! Way too many. It's as if the harder I work to lift myself - to Rise Up - the more my mind works against me to keep me fettered and chained where I presently am.....which is no where I want to remain. I find myself not doing anything I should be doing - like painting! I sink slowly into an immobile state of funk.
I do better, I "feel", with human interaction not isolated or alone as I usually "feel". I usually entertain myself at home but it is the choices I make based on my "feelings" that rule and I end up choosing that which is not moving me forward towards my goal because I didn't "feel" like doing that right now....I'll do it tomorrow which, of course, is not promised.
I do the required readings, watching of instructional videos, teaching and writings each month yet when it comes to the painting I freeze up instead of Rising Up. I "feel" as if I need to have someone around me from whom to bounce ideas. Then I figure I'll just tough it out 'cause I can do this alone and still get it done. Then I am easily distracted and nothing gets done! No wonder my Muse goes away and is hesitant to return......she's not "feeling" me.
